Everything Happens For A Reason

We have had a very crazy couple of months. I will put pictures up of everything we have been doing soon but for now here is the explanation of my disappearance. Justin is in the middle of big career changes which we are very excited for. We just wish we had a crystal ball to tell us which change is going to be best for our family. We know everything happens when and how it should.

The other big thing that took a lot of our emotional energy is something that is very personal. I feel I need to write it all down and share it to really appreciate the beauty in our trails. Here is our story.

Justin was working on a project for a while where he was working nights. One night when he was gone I had realized that it had been a while since my monthly gift had arrived so I decided to pack up Jackson and go get a pregnancy test. I went back and forth on getting one (okay maybe five) because I did not want to get my hopes up one more time. We came home and I took it, immediately the two lines showed. I was shocked, I started talking to myself and just kept saying, "no way." Jackson thought it was very funny and followed me around the house laughing as I was taking in the reality that I was pregnant. I was just about to call Justin at work when I wanted to make sure, so I began to drink cup after cup of water(I felt a little like Juno for those of you who have seen that movie). Took another test and as clear as day two lines again. So I picked up the phone and called Justin. This was the conversation.
Justin: Hello
Me: I am pregnant.
Justin: What?!?!
Me: Yep I am pregnant.
He was as shocked as I was. So the next few weeks were filled with such excitement in our home. We had called our social worker just a few weeks prior to start the adoption process again so we were very ready to welcome a new baby in our home. I went out and bought pregnancy books and began to eat super healthy. I tried to do everything perfectly. I was so sick and I kept telling Justin how I never thought that being so sick would make me so happy.
The day of our first doctors appointment came and that morning I had that gut feeling that something was wrong. Justin thought I was being paranoid given we have been infertile for 5 years. The doctor came in and was so excited for us as well. It was time to hear the baby's heartbeat we were so excited but we heard nothing. So the doctor got us in for an ultrasound right away. Justin and Jackson left the room because Jack was wanting to touch everything. As the ultrasound tech and I sat there there in silence I knew that stupid gut feeling was right. The baby had stopped growing. The doctor came in and told us the news. The hardest part was looking up and seeing Justin's face of pure disappointment. Being the man Justin is the whole time he was so concerned, and still is, about how I was feeling when I could clearly see he was hurting too. When it was time to leave I could not bring myself to go out the front door where there were expectant moms in the waiting room. I went in being one of them and was leaving not being one. So i snuck out the back.
We got home and told ourselves that we would give ourselves the rest of the day for a pitty party. When I got home and saw all the healthy pregnancy food and dog eared pregnancy books on the night stand I went from sad to mad. Why did I have to get pregnant in the first place. We had wrapped that chapter up and thrown it away, we were a confident infertile couple. (My sweet sister in law told me that it had been re-gifted to me.) Then I realized how can I be mad, if it wasn't for our infertility and our struggles to build a family we would not have our beautiful brown eyed little boy.
I don't understand so many things in life but one thing that I know is that everything happens for a reason. I know that there is another precious little one that is going to be part of our family some day and I don't need to know how or when. I know that our Heavenly Father has a bigger plan than we understand for each of us. I know that going though the pain of our miscarriage is only helping me be the woman I am meant to become. I am so lucky to be a mother and I can't imagine my life going any other way. So for now we are a happy family of three looking forward to see what life brings us.
P.S. I had heard horror stories of getting a DandC and it was not bad at all. I never wish that upon anyone but if you ever need one for a miscarriage no worries!